The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
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*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling