If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

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I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.


I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.


“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”


The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.


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STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life


Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting


*wakes up drenched in sweat*


Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.


I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment


Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”