*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
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Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?