“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
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The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
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her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
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the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Just me?
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*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.