Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
You Might Also Like
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
new shirt idea
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”