When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
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Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.