My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
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Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Tell me you get it…🤣
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Ah yes. The three genders
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot