Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
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My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.