Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
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I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I can’t stop laughing at this
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Stop sending me this shit.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”