well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
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It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”