Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

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ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns


Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.


I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.


[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”




Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say


Then watch how mad he gets.


Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?


If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?


Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.


i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”