Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
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We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
This is a true ally.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too