professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
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Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there