I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
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Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
You’ll be OK
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.