Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
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People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
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