Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
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Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes