My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
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Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants