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I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
mmm onion ringos
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen