Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
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Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
#MeanwhileInCanada
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!