In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.