@ericonederful

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

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@warbird622

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

@LindaInDisguise

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

@sarabellab123

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

@Alex_but_online

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

@sixfootcandy

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

@

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

@MarloMeekins

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

@Jesssicle

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

@KizerBillhelm

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

@panmidwest

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?