One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
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Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Worth the read.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy