ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
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The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.