Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
You Might Also Like
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I think they could have phrased this better
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
i smell a pulitzer
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.