I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
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god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then