My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
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Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
HERE’S MARKY
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.