Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
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Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.