Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
what day is it?
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”