Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
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Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
*exercises sarcastically*
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.