Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
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Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what