“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
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[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.