Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
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I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
That’s incredible! 👌
#parenting
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair