I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
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I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke