Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
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My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I’m not wrong
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.