Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
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I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down