Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
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*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
6. me as a lawyer
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
This took me a second..
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.