I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
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Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.