Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
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Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Realize this:
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
This hospital has everything
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.