my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
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*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king