When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
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My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
When can I start eating bats again.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket