When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
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My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.