You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
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Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I will never stop laughing at this
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.