Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
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I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Smile they said.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.