Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
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Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
just leave it at the foot of the bed
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”