Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

I only treason on days ending in y

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.