“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
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At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.