13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
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You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.