People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
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Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Me as a therapist: omg same
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up