Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
You Might Also Like
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Sign at work today
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Smile they said.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”