Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
![]()
You Might Also Like
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Stop.
![]()