Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
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All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*