I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
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[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.