I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
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I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.