*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
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One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Mornin. * use accordingly