Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.